THE TOP TEN BEST – AND WORST – HALLMARKS OF THE POKER BOOM

LAS VEGAS VEGAS’ TOP TEN BEST – AND WORST – THINGS TO COME OUT OF THE POKER BOOM

10. Blogs

Best: At its core, poker is a solitary pursuit. Online, it’s got the potential to turn a slight social misfit into a full-fledged hermit. So not only have some of the great poker blogs chronicled the rise of the sport and offered excellent strategy advice, they’ve also served for many as places where that disconnect is narrowed by a sense of community and places to exchange ideas.

Worst: If we have to read one more goddamn hand history on your navel-gazing LiveJournal whining for the umpteenth time about your Aces getting cracked, we’re going to make it our business to chase you down with nothing but two-gapped off-suited connectors every time you log on to play. Don’t mess with us, we know the special code to type in to catch our gutshots.

9. The World Poker Tour on the Travel Channel

Best: Ignoring for a minute the technology that made this show possible, you can’t ignore the impact a weekly televised high-stakes poker tournament had on poker. The WPT shows nurtured the ember of this cultural phenomenon, and gave rise to the cult of personality following many of poker’s big names today. It would not be surprising if the growth of the player base in online poker correlated directly with the rising ratings of the WPT on TV.

Worst: Vince Van Patten, Vince Van Patten, Vince Van Patten. Jesus, back up the hyperbole wagon kids, there’s plenty here to go around. If he’s not breathlessly “anticipating” (remember, this is all post-mortem commentary – nothing live happening here) Men Nguyen’s call of a pot-sized bet after flopping an open-ended straight draw, he’s working himself into a lather over Phil Ivey’s pre-flop action when he “looks down at a monster! Pocket Queens! His palms are sweaty and his heart is racing on the inside!” We always thought Adam Rich from Eight is Enough would have been the Van Patten spawn (fictional or biological) most in need of electro-shock therapy. Now? We’re not so sure.

8. Kids

Best: Anyone who takes poker semi-seriously online has got to love the influx of youth coming into this game. Like any player demographic, there are kids who can play, kids who can’t and a whole bunch in-between, and they’re filling up ring games from UltimateBet to Full Tilt Poker. Better yet, they’re just learning their love for the game and should keep these sites and the tables in Vegas full of competition for years to come.

Worst: If there’s any one single thing that will keep online poker from legality, it’s the same old argument that keeps vintners from shipping wine across state lines – What about the children? What the hell are these kids doing with their parents’ credit cards anyway? Hell, our dad kept a stash of quarters in a Crown Royal bag in his top drawer, and god help us if that bag had shifted an eighth of an inch from on top of his Playboys due to our need to buy a Slurpee or some Fun Dip. If we had bought a box of ’88 Donruss with a pilfered credit card? We don’t even want to think of the consequences. Maybe the real warning should be Why can’t mom keep her Visa in her purse?

7. The Mainstream Media

Best: Look, we owe this entire poker boom to the mainstream media. Were it not for the WPT getting picked up, were it not for ESPN’s WSOP coverage and were it not for Bravo’s Celebrity Poker Showdown poker would still be relegated to ninth-tier backroom games with guys named “Lefty” and the fourteen tables that were running in Vegas at any given time prior to the boom filled with America’s craggy-faced elderly gruffly awaiting their door cards.

Worst: Children are getting hooked on gambling thanks to online poker! World Poker Tour crowns 21-year-old Nick Schulman champion! Poker’s popularity is dying! Poker’s popularity is growing! Come on guys, can we settle up on this stuff?

6. Phil Hellmuth

Best: To appeal to the masses, poker needs more than just chips moving around the table. It needs characters. In a contest where giving away any extra information due to showing personality to your opponent, Phil Hellmuth is the “bad boy of poker” at the table. He’s taken self-promotion to new levels – or depths, depending on your opinion – with his constant commentary that often veers into full-fledged whining. Like him or loathe him, he’s one of the few true personalities on the scene, and personalities are going to be key to the continuing success of poker’s presence and popularity.

Worst: We’re as sick as you are of chest-puffing wannabe WSOP pros at the nickel/dime tables who are going to let you know what a horrible player you are, and will do everything they can to evade the online expletive filters in the process. “U Suk” degenerates into questioning your sexuality, bankroll and prowess, and we wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to see these table captains transcribing the best of televised Hellmuth to come up with their witty banter. No one’s saying a suckout doesn’t sting, just take your next one like a man.

5. The Out-of-Context All-In

Best: There are two reasons that poker “works” on TV, despite being a game replete with competitors that make pro bowlers look like the Titans descended from upon Olympus. The first is the “All-In” maneuver, and the second we’ll get to in just a bit. Survivor may have started the reality TV competition craze (or may not have, we don’t have a crack research team around these parts), but poker provides the same type of drama in a context that doesn’t involve coconuts, Tiki torches or eating live cockroaches. Televised tournament poker manages to distill what could be a drawn out dance between a table full of competitors into a one-hour knife fight as they throw enormous piles of chips around hoping to bluff or bully their way to the top of the heap. Those among us who play the game with any regularity understand the concept that poker is hours of tedium punctuated by rare moments of adrenaline-laced tightrope theatrics. TV captures those moments brilliantly, but…

Worst: …for better or for worse, the out-of-context all-in bet has created an entire tier of low-limit poker across the webscape that values balls over all else. Middle pair, first hand of a multi-table tournament? PUSH. Think you can bluff that avatar across the table off whatever he’s got? PUSH. Thanks to Gus Hansen and the WPT’s breathless celebration of what looks like maniacally loose and dangerous play, the low-level No Limit games online are a veritable minefield of idiots willing to put that whole five dollar buy-in on the line with that weak Ace or gutshot straight draw. If they only knew Hansen’s style is predicated on hours and hours spent reading his opponents and timing his “moves” precisely so they work, those sit-and-goes online might be a good way to spend $5 on an hour of poker. Instead, try to keep up with the suckouts and don’t toss your monitor out the window next time your Aces get cracked by that runner-runner all-in push pre-flop.

4. The Hole Card Cam

Best: Naturally, this is the second aspect of the new generation of televised poker that brought it into mainstream popularity (losing Gabe Kaplan as the play-by-play announcer notwithstanding). America’s favorite hobby is Monday morning quarterbacking, and with the hole card cam we’re well equipped to question the decisions of real players with tens of thousands of dollars on the line with the turn of every card. Indisputably, this technology has helped many become much more solid with strategy at the tables when they can remember Negreanu value-betting on the river when ahead, or Ivey taking a shot at a pot on the turn while on a draw because his opponent showed weakness on the flop. High drama is created in the moments where a tournament is on the line and only the viewer knows how far ahead or behind the player really is, and that makes for gripping TV.

Worst: We’re not against the idea of seeing the hand unfold from multiple perspectives with the help of the hole card cam, but any idiot can be an expert while they watch a player agonize over a big call with what we know is the best hand. Our mom walked in while we were watching a WPT telecast and proceeded to heckle a pro who made a “bad throwaway.” When our mom is talking poker, we just can’t help but feel this whole TV thing is completely overrated. We then took five bucks off her in a family tournament and told her the meatloaf was dry. Thanks Phil Hellmuth!

3. Celebrity Poker

Best: We love a good journey into schadenfreude territory, and Bravo’s Celebrity Poker Showdown gives us this in spades. If there’s anything celebrities playing poker has taught us, it’s that no matter how B-List famous you think you are, you’re going to look awfully dumb calling a pre-flop raise with eight-three offsuit. We’re better than that, therefore we’re better than celebrities. Transitive property, surprised you didn’t know that. We also can’t help but love any activity that gets Mimi Rogers, Jennifer Tilly and Shannon Elizabeth – three of our most favorite heavy-breasted actresses – in front of the camera again. We’re big fans.

Worst: Celebrity poker is great, but did they have to put it on Bravo? We’re not against playing up the cheese factor here, but aside from The West Wing, Bravo is just about the gayest network on television. It’s like they’ve specifically tried to turn the Sex and the City crowd on to poker. And really, do we need more women at the tables? What was once a boy’s night out is now bordering on “couples’ night” territory with little dishes of potpourri, pink poker chips and blue cocktails with fruit. Well, that and we keep getting shot down on the strip poker suggestion. We can’t help it if we want to see our wives’ best friends topless. We’re only human.

2. The Rise of Party Poker

Best: The biggest online poker room on the Net just keeps growing more dominant. Through strong-armed business tactics and an IPO float that bouyed their capital, Party Gaming has established themselves as the leader in a marketplace that’s slowly shedding the dead weight and allowing the cream to rise. Around the clock Hold ‘Em against some of the worst players willing to give us their dollars is appealing, feeling secure that the big boy on the block is here to stay is even better.

Worst: First off, their advertising is grating. What’s with the blowup doll, and why wouldn’t she be a worthy opponent for the legions of morons who populate the site? Hell, the security guard playing with his German Sheperd in the other ad is probably getting a stronger heads-up match than your average Saturday night online player’s going to give you. Mixed messages, we can’t figure it out. And did we mention the players are terrible? If you’ve got blood pressure problems, you should probably stick to a less volatile game than anything you’ll find on PartyPoker. May we suggest Russian Roulette?

1. Chris Moneymaker

Best: Through Chris Moneymaker, we finally have proof that any unkempt schlub with a beer gut and a dream from the Midwest can luckbox his way into a World Series championship.

Worst: Through Chris Moneymaker, we finally have proof that any unkempt schlub with a beer gut and a dream from the Midwest can luckbox his way into a World Series championship.