We’d like to introduce BG from Random Thoughts and Thoroughbred Selections to the Las Vegas Blog family. We’ll give him a bit of room here to stretch out and let you know what to expect from him from here on out.
A long time ago on another gambling-related website, I wrote an article about pro poker player Tomer Benvenisti. In part, the article read:
Like beer-league softball and the great sport of bowling, America has found a pasttime for our morbidly obese. And we’d like to nominate Tomer Benvenisti as the Patron Saint of fat-ass poker players everywhere.
Why Tomer? Well, first off he’s Italian. We fully support the complete range of cured meats that end in vowels, as well as the variety of dishes with awesomely fun names to pronounce like “braciole” and “gabbagool.” Second, he’s delightfully doughy. Look at him, there’s no way he disarms two muggers like Greg Raymer. He’s the perfect role model for today’s sedentary man.
There are lots of fat guys out there to choose from, but give us a guy whose pores reek like the trash can at an Italian deli. Give us a guy who licks his fingers clean, but only after his fifth cannoli has built up the appropriate amount of residue. You can have your Polish and your German tubby folk, give us Tomer Benvenisti and a pound of Prosciutto. He’s the man.
Now that the dust has settled and the Oddjack flag is no longer flying over the landscape of gambling blogs, we’d like to present Tomer’s long lost rebuttal. Apparently, he felt slightly… slighted by our willingness to put him on the heavily reinforced pedestal on which he so clearly belongs.
HELLO [expletive deleted],
MEET ME AT THE MIRAGE, WHERE I PLAY 40-80 HOLDEM DAILY AND AND TELL ME TO MY FACE YOUR THOUGHTS ON FAT [expletive deleted] LIKE ME. I EAT MAGGOTS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST. OH BY THE WAY, I AM ISRAELI AND WOULD LOVE TO STICK AN UZI UP YOUR [expletive deleted].
FAT [expletive deleted] DREAMS,
TOMER BENVENISTI.
I’d like to offer my sincere and heartfelt apologies to Tomer and make a few promises about my role on the Las Vegas blog and on the poker blog you’re currently perusing. Tomer’s eloquent rebuttal aside, I’ve learned plenty more I intend to apply to enhance your enjoyment of our time together. Let’s call this BG’s Ten Commandments Of Poker Blogging.
· I shall henceforth fully understand the nationalistic pride inherent in the great people of Israel, and shall never assume a really fat guy with an Italian surname loves the cured meats of Parma again.
· I shall never again hold forth a player of immense talent and skill as a potential hero and/or Patron Saint based simply on girth.
· I shall, however, reserve the right to nominate another player as a role model to those with a similar aesthetic, such as declaring those who battle mental problems at the poker table may find a kindred spirit in Phil Hellmuth.
· I shall never bore you with the details of a hand in which I lost a great deal of money, unless the suckout was at least a rivered three-outer or a non-flush draw runner-runner.
· I shall never profess to tell you how to play Ace King under the gun, in middle position, opening a pot from the button, after a raise, or from the blinds. I shall reserve the right, however, give you 500 aimless words on how much I hate the nickname “Big Slick.”
· I shall never rest until I have made fun of every home game douchebag wearing sunglasses whose picture I find on Flickr.
· I shall, in reviewing the mainstream media’s articles on the “poker fad,” retain the personal mantra that the only thing that has truly “jumped the shark” is the media’s claim that poker has “jumped the shark.”
· I shall strive to never take the easy joke where more complex nuance may be available as an alternate route. For instance, Kathy Liebert may not be an attractive woman, but that joke would be too easy. Instead, I shall find a quote of hers such as, “the top women players are among the top players period,” and play that broadly on the obvious truth that women are too emotionally high-strung to be successful poker players. I shall remember that the truth is always funnier than opinion.
· I shall never let my personal biases against Canadians, pink chip games, Omaha Eight, Vince Van Patten, pocket Jacks, table captains, mule deer, mayonnaise, goths, Oprah Winfrey, MySpace, PartyPoker, and people who defend calling a raise with three-gap offsuited cards they should be doubling down on corrupt my ability to tell it to you straight. Unless, of course, they deserve it.
· And lastly, I shall produce posts in this space that you will rarely, if ever, be able to take seriously.
Poker is a lot of things, but at its core it’s still a game. Suck it up, post your blinds, and let’s deal ’em up kids.